


The Color of Forgotten Love

by tony_starkrogers



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Falling in Love (again), Fluff, M/M, Oblivious Jim, Protective Spock, Temporary Amnesia, WIP
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-10
Updated: 2017-11-11
Packaged: 2019-01-15 19:44:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12327597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tony_starkrogers/pseuds/tony_starkrogers
Summary: When Jim comes down with a case of amnesia with no memory of events after the Kobayashi Maru hearing, he finds himself the Captain of the Enterprise with no memory of how he got there... and no idea why he would ever want the prim, proper Commander Spock as his First Officer. As Jim tries to figure out the mystery of his past, he can't help but notice that his relationship with Spock seems to be a bit... more than that of a Captain and a First Officer. Most of his assumptions about their relationship are wrong... one is definitely, wonderfully, completely right.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Because every fandom could use more amnesia trope fics. Beware of excessive amounts of tooth-rotting fluff ahead - don't say I didn't warn you. 
> 
> I am but a simple obnoxious fan, and I claim no ownership of Star Trek or its characters.
> 
> Come find me on tumblr! I am [@jimandspock](http://jimandspock.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Edit 12/22/17: This is now a WIP indefinitely. I started posting this fic before it was finished, which I don't usually do, and it just wasn't coming to me anymore and I didn't want to force it. Thanks to everyone for reading, and I hope you can enjoy coming up with an ending better than I did! -LLAP xoxo

**I**

**“I remember awakening one morning and finding everything smeared with the color of forgotten love.” --Charles Bukowski**

\---

Jim wakes to a pounding headache and the sound of familiar grumbling nearby.

He wants to say  _something,_ or at least groan incoherently, because it seriously hurts like a bitch, but his mouth doesn't seem to be working just yet, so he lies there and lets the sound of Bones' continuous complaints wash over him. If it were anyone else, Jim would tell them to fuck off and leave him alone, but he knows that Bones only grumbles because he cares, and Bones knows that Jim only argues because it's comfortable, routine. 

Jim inhales slowly, wincing as the overwhelming, too-clean stench of antiseptic assaults his senses. He shifts uncomfortably, feeling the rustle of scratchy hospital sheets against his skin, and startling as the sound of faint beeping speeds up.

"Doctor, Jim is regaining consciousness," says a vaguely familiar voice nearby. Their tone is oddly clipped and precise, and Jim frowns, because he  _knows_ that voice, he's sure of it, but for some reason he can't quite place it. 

"I can see that; don't get your knickers in a twist," McCoy says, and Jim forces his stubborn eyelids open to see a familiar face looking down at him, eyes bright with concern. "How do you feel, Jim?"

Jim clears his throat. "Like a Klingon is pounding a battle axe on the inside of my skull," he says, his voice rough from disuse. "But otherwise I'm feeling just peachy, considering. Must have been some night out, seeing as I can't remember of it."

Bones frowns, and reaches for a tricorder. "Jim, what is the last thing you remember?"

Jim frowns, trying to think past the pounding in his head. He looks around the room for clues, since his mind seems strangely blank. It's definitely not anywhere at Starfleet, since it looks so different... and there's a faint vibrating sensation all around them, almost as if they're on a ship at  warp. Then his gaze falls on the figure standing at the foot of his bed, all tense and motionless and pointy-eared, and Jim gasps in disbelief.

"The Kobayashi Maru!" he says, glaring at Bones accusingly. "You let him in here?!"

McCoy pales, and the silent figure that is Commander Spock stiffens, if possible, even more.

"Doctor," the Vulcan says, "what is your diagnosis?"

McCoy sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. 

"Jim," he says, "do you mean to say that the last thing you recall is the Kobayashi Maru hearing?"

Jim nods speechlessly, wondering why both Spock and McCoy are looking so worried. In the background, the faint beeping noise speeds up.

McCoy sinks down in the chair next to Jim's bed and sighs again.

"Come on, Bones, it can't be that bad," Jim says desperately, trying to fight down the panic. "I'm not dying, or anything, am I?"

Bones shakes his head and looks Jim in the eye.

"No, Jim, you're not dying. But I'm sorry to say that you do have a case of retrograde amnesia."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I know it's been a while since the last update, so thanks for sticking with me! I'm in the middle of transitioning into a new job, so life has been pretty busy these past few weeks, but I'm hoping to keep a schedule of posting every two weeks or so. I'm still looking for beta readers for this fic -- please leave a comment here or send me a message on tumblr [@jimandspock](http://jimandspock.tumblr.com/ask) if you are interested! Until then, all mistakes are my own.

I

At McCoy's pronouncement, Spock feels an illogical surge of regret.

Illogical because he is Vulcan, and Vulcans do not regret. What is, is. 

Illogical because the Captain...  _Jim_ , Spock corrects himself firmly, is alive and well and _safe_ , and Spock intends to see to it that he remains that way. 

But if the last thing Jim remembers is the hearing... Spock is ashamed of the person he was then, full of self-righteous convictions and heedless of the feelings of others. Spock knows with absolute certainty that he _cannot_ be that person again, even if that is who Jim thinks he is.

It's strange, like how you don't realize how far you've traveled on a train until you look back and see that you've in fact come a very long way. Slowly and surely, over long chess matches and impassioned arguments and desperate shoot-outs and quiet nights sitting in comfortable silence watching the stars wheel by, Jim has changed Spock as a person. Jim has become Spock's true north, his guiding star, the one person he can share secret smiles and quiet humor and his deepest thoughts with. 

Spock does not think he can bear it if Jim has forgotten all of it, in the blink of an eye.

So when Jim looks between Spock and McCoy as though hoping one of them will let him in on the punch line, Spock is in complete sympathy with the captain when he shakes his head dazedly and says "...Amnesia. You can't be serious?"

"I'm afraid it's true, kid," the doctor says.

He pats Jim's hand absently, and Spock stiffens instinctively at the sight. Hands are very intimate in Vulcan society: as Vulcans are a race of touch telepaths, only bonded mates touch hands. Watching McCoy casually touch Jim's skin like that makes the primitive, utterly illogical part of Spock rear its ugly head. Rage rushes through him like a flood of molten lava, and Spock struggles against the urge to prevent anyone from touching Jim Kirk's skin -- as if he were Spock's to keep, as if Jim's heart were anyone's to give but his own.

So Spock keeps his shields firmly in place and clears his throat. "Your prognosis, doctor?"

McCoy glances up at Spock and quickly removes his hand after taking in Spock's expression. "Right, sorry, Spock," he says. "The thing is, we've never been able to discover a cure for retrograde amnesia. Patients usually recover some or all of their memories, but there's no set time frame. It could take months, or it could take years, or there could be some triggering event that causes him to remember everything at once. There's really no way to know."

Jim stares at McCoy with wide eyes. " _Years_?" he says a little desperately. "What am I supposed to do, walk around with years of my life missing? How am I supposed to... do whatever it is I'm doing now? I don't even know _that_ , Bones!"

"Ah," says McCoy, his face lighting up, "that's the good part, Jim. You're on a starship. You're the _Captain_ of a starship, and a damn good one at that."

"Captain," Jim says a little breathlessly, a smile spreading slowly across his face. "Really?"

"That's right: you've been a Captain for two years, Jim, and you're going to keep on being one if I have anything to say about it," McCoy says gruffly, patting Jim's leg and getting up to grab a padd. "Now, the best thing for you right now is _rest_ , and I mean it this time, Jim -- no sneaking off when I'm not looking; don't even _think_ about it. Then, you can study this: it's a record of all the missions we've been on in the past two years, though you could simply look up your logs instead. I'm here if you have any questions or don't understand something that happened -- and I'm sure Spock would also be ready to help with that. Right, Spock?"

Spock nods his acquiescence, and Jim frowns, his expression _warydefensiveconfused_ as he glances over at Spock. "The Commander?" Jim says, "Why?"

McCoy frowns, shooting Spock a quick look. "I know you didn't like him at first, but this pointy-eared hobgoblin is your First Officer," the doctor says. "And don't give me that look, I'm not joking. You two actually make a pretty good team, believe it or not."

Jim is still studying Spock with that guarded, calculating expression, the one he uses on blustering diplomats or a new species they've just made first contact with, not with his friends, and certainly not with Spock.

But, Spock reminds himself, the man staring at Spock with such distrust in his eyes is _not_ Captain Kirk; he is not the _Jim_ who has come to be Spock's confidant and friend. This is the brash, arrogant Cadet Kirk Spock met on the day of the Kobayashi Maru hearing, and _this_ Jim Kirk knows Spock only as the rigid, uncompromising instructor who accused him of cheating on a test. Jim's gaze hardens, and Spock knows with a sinking feeling that his assessment is correct.

"Yeah, I'm not so sure about that, Bones," Jim says. "But I guess we'll find out."

II

"He does not remember me," Spock says quietly. His hands are wrapped around a mug of steaming tea as he looks out over the observation deck, his gaze fixed on the faraway stars.

"Or more precisely, he remembers who I was, not who I am." He glances over at Nyota, who appears to be uncharacteristically troubled, judging by the way she is fiddling absently with her ponytail. He frowns at her, and she flushes and folds her hands in her lap.

"I'm so sorry, Spock," she says, "that's horrible."

Spock shakes his head and takes a sip of his tea. "It is merely a fact that we must now face," he replies, "and as a fact, it should logically hold no emotional value... but I cannot deny that I find myself... affected." As he looks up at Nyota, he knows his emotions must be very clear on his face, all the hurt and doubt and self-loathing. "I find myself... disturbed that the captain remembers nothing of the partnership we have worked so hard to build. I find I do not know how we can rebuild it."

Nyota nods. "That's understandable," she says, "it would be hard on anyone." She hesitates, taking a sip of her own tea before continuing. "But Spock... you know that you and the captain got to where you are by being  _friends._ The best way to get back to that would be to act the way you act with him as friends... and then he'll see that things have changed and you're not still out to get him for cheating on a test."

Spock cannot explain it, but he is glad that Nyota shares his opinion. It does not make him feel any better about their situation, but its hold on his mind feels somewhat lighter, now. Perhaps, as his mother used to say, "it helped to talk about it."

Spock finishes his tea and stands -- he is needed on the bridge. "Thank you, Nyota," he says. "I appreciate your willingness to listen to my concerns... and I would also appreciate your discretion in this matter."

"You have it," Nyota says with a small smile. "And Spock... you can come to me with anything. You know that, right?"

Spock lets a faint non-smile soften his features. "Affirmative," he says. "I will see you on the bridge, Lieutenant." 

III

Jim sighs as he finally sets the padd to the side, his eyes itchy with exhaustion. Nearly 10 hours of reading later, and he feels slightly more caught up on the events of the past two years, though he's not sure it makes any more sense. Between facing off crazy Romulans from an alternate universe and psychotic superhumans, all while violating the prime directive more than seems strictly necessary, Jim is surprised they've made it through in one piece.

And Jim won't lie... he was hoping, just a little, that reading about things that happened to him would have "jogged his memory," so to speak... but there was nothing. It was like reading a book or watching a holovid... like all those things had happened to someone else.

He winces as he sinks back down against the pillows and runs his hands through his hair.  _Damn_ , he looks like crap. Jim just  _knows_ that he'd feel so much better if he could have a shower and change into some real clothes... He grins. Maybe he'll needle Bones about that next. (If he hasn't found a way to get out of here by then, that is.)

Right on cue, Bones walks in, taking in the sight of the discarded padd and Jim's rumpled hair with a grin.

"So," he says, pulling out a tricorder to take Jim's readings. "How'd the reading go?"

"Don't get me started," Jim groans. "Do we really manage to get into that much trouble? Never mind, don't answer that. I forgot this is me we're talking about here, of  _course_ we get in that much trouble. Which, by the way, Bones? Talk about weird - waking up thinking you're a cadet and finding out that you're actually a captain."

McCoy chuckles and shakes his head. "I know what you mean, kid," he says, "although if I'm honest, that's pretty much how it happened the first time around, too."

Jim laughs in spite of himself. "Yeah, don't tell me the universe doesn't have a sick sense of humor." He pauses, knowing by the way his friend's eyes are narrowing that Bones just knows what's coming next. "Say Bones, you don't suppose..."

"No, Jim," Bones says, his feet planted and his arms crossed. It's a bold front, but beneath the hard exterior, Jim knows that Bones just wants him to be happy.

"But Bones..."

" _No_ , Jim," Bones repeats, his "Doctor McCoy" voice slipping through. "You've just had a major medical event, and I'm not about to let you go wandering around the ship when you don't even know where your own quarters are."

Jim scoffs at that. "Come on, Bones, like I couldn't ask the computer for that. And patients recover better in familiar surroundings; you know that's true."

 McCoy frowns, and Jim knows he's won. " _Please_ , Bones? I'll be a good boy, I won't even sneak down to engineering, I promise."

Bones scowls some more and glares at Jim before sighing in defeat. "Alright, fine," he says at last. "Your scans came out relatively normal considering what you've been through, so there's really no reason for me to keep you here, other than, you know, basic medical sanity. So you'll stay here for _one night_  of bed rest, and then you're cleared to go back to your quarters. And I mean it, Jim: light duty  _only_ \-- If I find out you've gone anywhere else, I  _will_ find out about it."

Jim just grins back at him. "Yeah, yeah. You're the best, Bones."

Bones rolls his eyes and pulls out a hypo from who-knows-where to stick Jim with -- purely out of spite, Jim is sure. "I sure am, kid, and don't you forget it."

IV

It's when Jim finally escapes from Medbay and is attempting to sneak up to the bridge that he first notices that something is different.

He passes crew members in the hallways, trying to strike a balance between acting like everything is normal and like he's hoping no one will notice that he's trying to avoid his over-protective XO and CMO. That's when he sees it: a shock of curly red hair passing by as one of the officers heads towards the rec room. Wait a minute...

"Gaila!" he calls, unable to restrain his surprise. 

She turns, a familiar bright smile lighting up her face. "Jimmy! So you finally made a break from our esteemed CMO, I see."

"Shhhh!" Jim whispers frantically, "he doesn't know yet, don't _summon_ him!"

Gaila laughs and Jim feels himself smiling in spite of himself. Gaila's always had that effect on people - you can't help but feel happy around her.

"So I see you survived Nero's attack," Jim blurts, unable to help himself. "How did it happen?" He knows he's put his foot in it now, but he  _has_ to know -- from the reading he's done, he thought she had been on one of the ships Nero destroyed on that fateful first mission. He's unaccountably relieved that she made it out -- that's one less lost life that weighs on his conscience.

Gaila's smile fades and she looks faintly uncomfortable. "You mean you don't remember?" she says. "Jim, are you  _sure_ you're alright?" 

Jim waves his hand dismissively. "Don't mind me, just..."

He can see the moment when Gaila gives in, the way her shoulders slump slightly and the laughter in her eyes dims. "I transported down to Vulcan to help with the evacuation," she says. "Nero attacked our ships seconds afterwards, but the Enterprise managed to beam me out with some of the civilians before the planet was destroyed. Not everyone was so lucky."

Jim's throat tightens, and he looks away. This is something that he doubts he'll grow accustomed to: this constant weight of guilt he feels for events he can't remember.

"I'm sorry," he says.

Gaila just rolls her eyes. "For the last time, you need to stop apologizing for things that aren't your fault, Jimmy," she says. "I'm  _fine_."

"I'm glad," Jim says honestly, grinning back at her. "Say, if you're not busy, do you want to meet up at my place later?"

"Jim, I don't think that would be a good idea," says Gaila hesitantly, frowning at him.

"Why? Is it because I'm the captain?"

Gaila shakes her head. "It's just... I wouldn't want to get in the middle of anything. And not that it's any of your business, but I've kind of been seeing someone."

"What, really?" Jim says, completely thrown. "Who?"

"Well, you remember when I told you Nyota didn't want me bringing guys back to our room?" Gaila asks. "Well, it turns out there was a reason for that."

"No way, seriously?" 

"Seriously," Gaila says, laughing at his dumbstruck expression. 

"Wow, no wonder she was so upset when she walked in on us," Jim says, shaking his head. Then Gaila's words catch up with him and he looks up at her. "Wait a minute, what do you mean, you don't want to get in the middle of anything? I'm not seeing anyone, am I?"

Gaila laughs. "I wouldn't know anything, Jimmy," she says. "All I'm saying is, Spock's a great guy. I don't know the details, but I do know that you don't want to screw this one up. So if you take my advice, you'd stop mooning after the past and get back to your man, Captain." She winks at him and pats his arm, leaving him standing there looking dumbfounded. Him and Spock? _Together_? What was she playing at? Jim shakes his head and heads on to the turbolift, when speak of the devil...

"Captain!" His First Officer pauses at the end of the hallway before striding up to Jim, managing to look positively horrified without moving a muscle. "You are not intending to resume your duties without the proper clearance, I trust?"

Jim grimaces. _Dammit._  Yeah, Gaila definitely must have been imagining things, because there's  _no way_ he could ever be with someone who would say  _that._  

"Don't get your panties in a twist, Commander. I'm just going back to my quarters, that's all."

Spock just looks at him with quiet skepticism, reaching out to steady Jim as he stumbles into the turbolift. Jim looks up at Spock wonderingly, then glances pointedly at Spock's hand where it's gripping Jim's bicep with a warm, inexplicable sense of familiarity. Weren't Vulcans supposed to avoid all physical contact like the plague? What was he playing at? 

"You should be more careful, Jim," the Commander says softly, his eyes deep and warm. Jim frowns and looks up at him. This close, he can see that Spock's eyes are actually chocolate brown rather than a darker black. Jim blinks dazedly, feeling an unaccountable surge of warmth and contentment rush through him. Spock is _really close_ , Jim realizes, so close that he can smell Spock's scent all around him, a distinctive spicy, woodsy musk. Jim closes his eyes unconsciously ( _what the hell, he doesn't even_ like _the guy_ ), and then Spock grips his arm comfortingly once more before stepping back to a more professional distance. "I will accompany you to your quarters to ensure that you do not come to further harm, Captain."

Jim laughs a little desperately. "You really don't have to do that, Commander."

His XO studies the bulkhead with great interest. "I know that, Jim," he says simply, and Jim might just be freaking out a little because  _what the hell?_

They walk to Jim's quarters in silence. Jim's progress is admittedly slower than usual -- though he'd never admit it, this short trek to his quarters is taking more out of him than he'd expected. Spock keeps pace with him easily, never complaining, making no comment.

They reach Jim's quarters, and Spock waits patiently while Jim keys in his code before  _following him in._

Jim stares at his First, unable to process what's happening. For someone who is supposed to hate his guts and be a giant stick up his ass, Commander Spock is certainly acting over-solicitous in his concern over Jim's health and well-being. Unless... Jim allows himself a second to speculate that Gaila's suspicions might have had some basis in fact. After all, he's missing two whole years. A lot can happen in two years. It's remotely conceivable that Spock had grown fond enough of Jim's quirks to seek them out, and that Jim had gotten the urge to jump the guy, because let's face it, Spock is seriously hot (in an intimidating, scary as hell kind of way, but still  _hot_ ).

And yeah, let's cut the crap -- Jim is definitely attracted to Spock. It comes in a sudden rush of certainty as Spock turns and fixes Jim in place with that  _look_ , hot and heady and all-consuming.

Spock's lips tighten as he gives Jim a once-over, obviously disapproving. "You require rest, Captain," he announces simply, and walks Jim over to his bed.

Jim looks up at him, his cheeks flushing as Spock sits him down on the bed and reaches for the hem of his shirt.

"Uhhh...." he says eloquently, putting his hand over Spock's before this gets completely out of control. "What are you doing, Commander?"

His first officer just stares at him, blinking down at Jim's hand over his with a slightly glazed expression in his eyes. "You require rest," the Vulcan repeats. "I am simply helping you prepare for bed, Captain -- Jim." Spock's gaze locks with Jim's then, and his mouth quirks up in what could be amusement. "I thought that would be fairly obvious, Captain."

Jim's heart thumps unsteadily in his chest (what the hell is _wrong_ with him? He is James Tiberius Kirk, not some blushing schoolkid!) and he lets Spock efficiently strip off his shirt and push him down so he's lying on the bed.

Spock gently slides off one of Jim's boots and then the other. Jim hears them thump on the floor as they land somewhere entirely unimportant -- nothing is more important right now than the piercing, unnerving gaze of his First Officer's eyes as he strips Jim down to his boxers, carefully watching for any sign of discomfort.

But Jim is not uncomfortable in the least -- far from it. He's on high alert, every nerve on fire, hungry for Spock's gaze. It's ridiculous -- before today, Jim would have thought that it was impossible to get a hard on just by looking someone in the eyes. And Spock is persisting in being so damn _considerate_... if this is how he always acts, Jim can start to see why he's Jim's XO. And maybe, just maybe... but Jim shuts that thought down before it can go any further. No one in their right mind would want to be with Jim. He's well aware that he's got more emotional baggage than an entire fleet of cargo ships.

Spock turns away then, and Jim desperately tries to slow his breathing. Spock can probably hear his heart beating or something crazy like that, Jim wouldn't put it past him at this point. He's got it somewhat under control when Spock returns with one of Jim's faded sleep shirts in one hand and a steaming mug in the other. 

Jim tugs the shirt over his head and sniffs the mug interestedly. A familiar scent fills his nostrils, and he looks up at Spock in surprise.

"You know my coffee order?" he asks, reaching for the mug eagerly.

Spock quirks his eyebrow at him. "A dark decaf mocha blend with brown sugar and extra whip when you are about to retire and wish to relax and enjoy the taste," he says. He pauses, and Jim would swear that the Vulcan looks almost... nervous? He didn't think it was possible for Vulcans to be nervous, but there you have it.

"I know a great many things about you, Jim," Spock says at last, "as you know a good deal about me. You have simply forgotten this." He glances up at Jim from under his lashes, and is that a faint greenish flush coloring his cheeks? "I hope you would be amenable to reacquainting yourself," Spock says quietly.

His throat tight, Jim can only nod his agreement.  _Heck yeah_ , he's amenable. He won't deny that he's still pretty confused, given that he thought the guy hated his guts just this morning, but Jim's sure he'd be amenable to any number of activities Spock had in mind.

"Sure, Spock," Jim finally manages, and Spock treats him to that pleased non-smile of his.

"I look forward to it," he says, leaning forward to cup Jim's cheek with infinite care. "Rest, Jim," he says, and Jim feels that surge of warmth again. "Your ship and her crew will be here in the morning."

Jim rolls his eyes. "Yes, Commander," he says, but apparently that was the wrong thing to say, because Spock stiffens and steps back, his eyes clouded and his back straight.

"Will there be anything else, Captain?" Spock says, his voiced formal and clipped.

Jim frowns, trying to think what he'd done wrong. "...No?" he tries hesitantly.

Spock nods briskly. "Very good, Captain. I wish you a speedy recovery."

He turns on his heel and strides out, leaving Jim staring after him openmouthed.

 _What the hell?_ he thinks, followed by a rather emphatic

_Fuck._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fic Rec until our next installment: If for some reason you haven't already read it, go read [Veritas](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1141066)! It's a nearly 200k slow burn k/s fic in which Kirk and Spock are put on trial for being emotionally compromised by each other. It's full of plenty of angst, pining, and ust which is all beautifully resolved. Seriously, go read it, it's one of my favorite things EVER.
> 
> LLAP


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey look, it's an update! I hope you enjoy. (:

I

“Captain.”

Jim jumps in surprise and swears under his breath as he bumps his knee on the table, narrowly avoiding slopping half of his coffee down his shirt.

“Mr. Spock,” he says, meeting the Vulcan’s gaze. “What can I do for you?”

Spock simply stands there with his hands folded neatly behind his back, fixing him with that intent, _knowing_ look that never fails to have Jim squirming away from its intensity. He knows that Spock looks at him and sees more than the brash young cadet his mind has convinced him that he is. It makes him feel strangely uncomfortable, almost like he’s an imposter in his own skin, ridiculous though it seems.

“May I join you?” Spock asks, somehow managing to look faintly amused at Jim’s antics without moving a muscle.

“Be my guest, Commander,” Jim says, raising his eyebrows and gesturing at the empty chair in front of him.

Jim watches as his First folds himself smoothly into the chair and clasps his hands in front of him. “Captain,” Spock begins, “it has come to my attention that the crew is suffering... undue levels of distress due to our current mission parameters.”

Jim rolls his eyes. “Believe me, they’re not alone, Commander,” he says. “I think everyone’s going a little stir-crazy by now. I mean, star mapping? It’s the busy work of the Fleet. They really couldn’t think of anything slightly more meaningful to give the flagship?”

Spock quirks an eyebrow at him. “Though you may be surprised to hear this, I agree with your assessment, Captain.”

“You _do_?” Jim says, staring at Spock in open-mouthed amazement (Spock is actually agreeing with him? This is a first... that he knows of, anyway) but then he remembers where he is and clears his throat abruptly. “I mean, please go on, Commander.”

“Although I understand their concerns, I believe that Starfleet command is basing the perceived need for our current assignment on flawed presumptions. Though they are within their rights to keep a Captain who has had a significant medical event out of harm’s way in the interests of the safety of the ship and the crew, they have overlooked the fact that even with amnesia, you are still in possession of the same talents and intelligence you had when you first took command of the Enterprise. You have also had ample time to refresh yourself on events that took place during the time of your memory loss, and you have an experienced crew more than capable of assisting you when needed. So yes, I agree with you, Captain. Their decision is not logical, in any sense of the word.”

Jim sits back in his chair and blinks at Spock dazedly. He’s having trouble forming coherent thoughts at the moment, because that was a heck of a long speech, but he thinks he might have actually been complimented somewhere in there. And from what little he knows of the Vulcan, he has a hunch that Spock only gets overly wordy like this when he feels very strongly about something indeed, which makes this even more of a big deal.

“Well, I’m glad we agree, Mister Spock,” Jim says, grinning at him brightly. “What do you propose we do about it?”

Spock frowns almost imperceptibly. “Of course, we cannot disobey direct orders from Starfleet command, Captain. We will continue to complete our routine star mapping... with the added benefit of in-person observations of planets in the sector.”

A slow smile starts to creep across Jim’s lips. “Mister Spock...” he says, “are you saying what I think you’re saying? The cure for all of our ‘undue distress’ is simply to set course for the nearest M-class planet and beam down to blow off some steam?”

“I have said no such thing, Captain,” Spock protests, though when he looks at Jim, his lips are quirked upwards and his eyes are soft and warm. “We will be conducting _scientific experiments_ , not indulging in idle recreation.”

Jim laughs. “Of course, Commander, I don’t doubt it. By the way, how’s that other experiment of yours going?”

Spock’s eyes brighten and he straightens up in his chair as he begins talking about the new form of energy transformation they’ve been studying in a nearby nebula. He’s clearly excited to be talking about this -- Spock is as in his element as Jim has ever seen him when he’s talking about his experiments. It’s almost disarming, the way he starts to talk a little faster and punctuates his explanation with dramatic hand gestures (well, dramatic for a Vulcan, at least). Jim just smiles and nods and lets Spock talk, leaning back to finish his coffee as he watches.

“Well, it certainly sounds like you’re making great scientific discoveries, Mr. Spock,” Jim says once Spock has wound down. “It sounds, dare I say... _fascinating_?”

Spock’s mouth twitches as Jim laughs for the both of them. It’s really quite something, how much expression Spock can work into the tiniest of movements: Jim has learned to read the depths of emotion the Vulcan can convey in the simple curve of a mouth or the slant of an eyebrow. He can’t believe he used to think that Spock was cold and emotionless.

“Thank you, Captain,” Spock says, looking at Jim with warmth in his eyes.

It’s funny, but Jim suddenly feels warm all over, and it’s not just from the coffee. All Spock has to do is look at him, and he feels like he’s sitting by an open fire, with heat coursing through him that makes his fingers tingle and his groin tighten. And they’re still just looking at each other, and Jim can’t look away. His breath comes quicker and he feels his cheeks flush and he’s falling deeper and deeper into the warm chocolate brown of Spock’s eyes.

And then Spock looks away and all at once the spell is broken. Jim blinks and fumbles with his empty coffee cup. _Get a hold of yourself_ , Jim thinks, casting around for something, anything to say.

“I believe I have taken too much of your time, Captain,” Spock says quietly, his gaze back on his hands where they’re folded in his lap. “If you will excuse me--”

“No, wait!” Jim says, reaching out to grip Spock’s arm as he rises before letting go immediately, cursing himself silently. Touch telepaths, dammit. No need for Spock get wind of... whatever the hell _that_ was. “I mean...” Jim’s gaze lands on a chess board that’s been left forgotten on a nearby table and he nearly sighs in relief. “Chess!” Spock raises his eyebrows and Jim rolls his eyes. “Do you want to play? I don’t remember our matches but I’m told we enjoyed them.”

Spock’s mouth softens in what Jim thinks might actually be the beginnings of a real smile.

“Certainly, Jim,” he says, and reaches over for the set.

Predictably, Spock wins the first match, but Jim honestly doesn't mind because he can't remember the last time he's _enjoyed_ a game that much, that he's really had to  _work_ for it. He wins the second round, and the twitch of Spock's mouth at Jim's reaction is enough to make Jim suggest they make a tournament of it. They play well into the night, and Jim feels more at peace than he has ever since he lost his memories. He can't shake the feeling that _this_ is where he's supposed to be, and he knows with a sudden, blinding certainty that his place is not just on a starship alone -- his place is here on the Enterprise, with _Spock_ by his side.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Please do not repost my work in any way or claim it as your own without first seeking my permission. Let me know if you do a translation or podfic so I can share a link! Comments, kudos, and advice are always welcome -- drop me a line here, or message me on tumblr! Thank you for reading!


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